Scientists Dreaming of a "Green" Christmas

Copenhagen Climate Council condemns Claus for contributing to climate change

Dec 18, 6:34 AM (CT)

COPENHAGEN (BP) – In a convention mired with controversy and warring interests, members of the Copenhagen Climate Council pulled a surprise move on their last day—one certain to shock holiday celebrators. By near unanimous vote, representatives from all over the world released a public recrimination of a well-known international figure.

“There is unquestionable consensus on two points. First, that the threat of anthropogenic global warming is real,” said Council Chairman Hans Gruber. “And, second, that we must do something about the danger looming to sweep across the world within a week. I am speaking, of course, about Santa Claus.”

It turns out that Santa Claus is spreading more than just Christmas cheer during his famed annual ride around the world. And the Copenhagen Climate Council brought the jolly old elf to task for falling under their environmentally-naughty list.

“In one night,” Gruber said, “Santa Claus will belch over two million tons of CO2 into the atmosphere—that’s more than the emissions of the entire European Union in over six months! What’s worse, he releases much of it directly into the stratosphere, where the effect on climate change is exponentially greater.”

In order to curb Father Christmas’s greenhouse gas emissions, the Climate Council voted on a list of 57 restrictions to provide for Claus’s holiday operation, which they entitled the “Green Christmas List.” The list detailed many ways that Santa Claus might reduce his emissions levels, including:

• Starting an environmental division in the Workshop, creating at least 48 “green jobs”
• Lowering his flight altitude to a maximum of 45,000 feet
• Reducing his team to four miniature reindeer rather than eight
• Prohibiting the incandescence of Rudolph’s nose
• Ceasing and desisting with the distribution of coal
• Issuing only one toy per household for load reduction of the sleigh
• Buying carbon offsets from countries who do not observe Christmas
• Availing himself of the New Year’s specials at Jenny Craig to lower the load of the sleigh next year

Thunderous applause greeted each item as the list was read, and the members of the convention victoriously announced the restrictions to the crowds who had been waiting anxiously (and sometimes violently) for signs of real reform as they stood in the freezing cold outside the summit. The protestors cheered the declaration of a “Green Christmas.”

Chinese diplomat Gu Rin-Chu provided significant support for the list and announced that China would lead the nations in per capita non-participation in Santa Claus’s toxic industry, encouraging other nations to follow their lead.

Meanwhile, the Workshop immediately held a press conference at the North Pole, where Santa’s press elf announced that Santa Claus intended to make his frosty trip in the same manner that he had done for centuries. He also released an official statement that characterized the Green Christmas List as unreasonable and “out of line with the spirit of the season.”

“Rudolph’s nose is critical to the operation of the sleigh, as any child can tell you,” the statement reads. “And flying at less than 45,000 feet puts the craft in danger of collision with commercial flights. Furthermore, good little boys and girls deserve a bounty on Christmas morn, and those who have been naughty shall receive the consequences of their actions.”

But Santa’s annual trip has consequences of its own, say scientists who publish in peer-reviewed journals. Greenhouse gases, particularly carbon dioxide, have been rapidly warming the planet in the last three decades. As a result, the polar ice caps are melting at an alarming rate. 2007 saw the lowest level of Arctic sea ice on record. If this trend continues, not only do polar bears stand to lose their habitat, but Santa’s Workshop itself may be threatened.

The world leaders at Copenhagen, who are seeking to stop the catastrophe of climate change, view Santa’s disregard for his own carbon excesses to be deplorably typical of climate-change deniers. Ebenezer Picsou, a well-known banker and French delegate to the climate summit, who presented a lecture earlier during the weak entitled “Being Cold is Better than Being Coaled,” considers Santa’s refusal to reform to be reprehensible.

“This is a crisis that directly affects him, yet he remains obstinate to reform,” Picsou said. “How can he deny the effects of climate change? He need only look out a Workshop window and see the results of his behavior. If I could, I would give him a piece of my mind. As the French say, ‘bah homme bague.’ ”

Climate change poses a real threat to Santa’s Workshop. Melting ice is the worst crisis to face the North Pole since the USS Skate accidentally surfaced directly below Santa’s workshop in August of 1958. Fortunately, at that time, the behind-the-scenes actions of Admiral Hyman Rickover saved Christmas for an unaware public. But now we cannot look to the Father of the Nuclear Navy to save Father Christmas from himself.

Renowned scientist and member of the United Nation’s Nongovernmental International Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), Herr Burgermeister Meisterburger, criticized Saint Nicholas’s entire operation, calling it “unnecessary and excessive.”

Meisterburger has pushed for legislation to block any toy distribution by non-environmentally-conscious distribution networks like Santa Claus’s. During the vote, he took to floor and made the following comment: “Those who wish to use toys should buy them from local artisans to reduce carbon emissions from Santa’s sleigh ride. But really this assembly should move to outlaw toys in general; would you rather give your son or daughter a toy, but then let them grow up into a world polluted by the carbon emissions from the manufacturing and delivery of that toy, or let them grow up to inherit a green earth frolicking with polar bears?”

The IPCC has also issued several warnings on the harmful effects to the climate caused by the burning of coal as fuel. Therefore, it came as no surprise when those at the summit criticized Santa for the distribution of coal to those whom he has singlehandedly judged to have been naughty throughout the year.

“These supposedly ‘naughty’ children are often from disadvantaged households who do not possess the green technology for clean-coal use,” Meisterburger said.

The Copenhagen Climate Council did include a list of eco-friendly suggestions for naughty children’s stockings to replace the traditional coal, which included other potentially useless items such as stock in windmill farms, thermal underwear, and condoms to fight population growth.

However, Santa Claus was not left entirely out in the cold. A few attendees of the climate conference came to old St. Nick’s defense, even going so far as to point at the Copenhagen Council themselves as part of the problem.

“If people like these bureaucratic blockheads would clean up their own act and behave in the spirit of Christmas, Santa would not have to fill so many stockings with coal,” claims renowned psychologist Lucy van Pelt.

But coal is the least of the issues for which climate scientists criticize Santa. His is one of the most carbon-producing methods of travel in existence, resulting in over two million tons of emissions in just one night.

Professor Hinkle, a researcher at the University of Maryland’s Department of Atmospheric and Oceanic Sciences, is an expert on magical entities and their relationship to global warming.

“Rangifer tarandus aeronautica-drawn sleigh is one of the most inefficient and environmentally deleterious means of magical transport,” Hinkle said. “Those little streaks of sparks through the air may look pretty for the title screen of your holiday special, but in reality they are cadabra cascades from the burning abra. Not only does the process emit forty times the CO2 levels of an SUV, but the reindeer themselves are known to emit their own gases into the atmosphere.”

Granville Sawyer, recently appointed by United States President Barack Obama to the White House Environmental Task Force, is a longtime civil servant who has been monitoring Santa Claus’s personal carbon emissions since 1947. The numbers are staggering, he says.

“No other individual comes close to this foul man’s blatant assault on the climate. If you count those spewing from that inhumane elf sweatshop, his carbon emissions lead the world. As far as I know, the only reason he goes about belting ‘ho ho ho’ is simply to exhale as much CO2 as possible during his joy ride across the globe,” said Sawyer.

Sawyer weaves the image of an elf full of spite rather than cookies and milk. He says that Santa purposefully avoids any mitigation of his operation’s damage to the environment, pointing to the rejection of the Mistletoe for Trees offer as proof. Prominent businessman and owner of the carbon-trading company Mistletoe for Trees, Inc., Henry F. Potter, has personally offered to sell carbon offsets at an incredible five-to-one discount to Santa, but his offer goes ignored by the Workshop.

Why would Santa be angry with people trying to save the planet from climate change? Sawyer points to the Kyoto Convention, where measures were adopted to reduce the use of chimneys in modern houses, thus making things more difficult for the toysack-bearing globetrotter.

“There’s a significant uptick in his emissions following the adoption of that measure,” Sawyer remarks. “I think that says something about his attitude.”

Frank Cross, an American businessman also in attendance at Copenhagen, observes that Santa is hurting himself more than anyone. Global warming threatens to eliminate white Christmases from the globe and create turbulent air patterns during Claus’s Christmas eve journey. Cross joined with the rest of the summit in criticizing Santa’s behavior, but he also encouraged the people of the world to effect change on their own.

“We can’t wait for this old-fashioned elf to catch up with the times,” he said. “We must seize our own destiny and move away from the culture that has caused this crisis. We must not celebrate Christmas.”

Many children in the United States and Europe are doing just that, and urging Santa to leave them alone this year. Provided ahead of time with Copenhagen’s Green Christmas List, teachers across the world guided their students in writing letters to Santa this year that begged him to comply with the restrictions. The children asked Santa to please help save their future from climate change, and included hand-drawn pictures of dead polar bears and the Workshop sinking into a melted North Pole.

Climate change skeptics on the radio and in the blogosphere criticized these school activities as brainwashing. Despite the worldwide consensus on the matter, as well as the data provided by NORAD every December 24 and the full acceptance by the U.S. Postal Service, many of these skeptics continue to deny the existence of Santa Claus.

But not all of them go that far. Standing on the sidewalk outside the summit and wearing an “I was an AGW Skeptic before it was cool” T-shirt, author and commentator Jakeb S. Lladrey remained skeptical on climate change but did not deny the existence of Santa Claus.

“Oh, I don’t think he’s causing the earth to get hotter, but I definitely believe in Santa,” said Lladrey. “In fact, I think this year some researchers at East Anglia will be finding reindeer droppings in their stockings.”

Familiar Strangers at J.M.H.S.

Once again inspired by The Friday Challenge. I had already decided to forego this week's challenge when this idea suddenly sprang fully-formed into my head as I was brushing my teeth one morning. I think a certain column by Henry Vogel is partly to blame.

“I hadn’t been looking forward to my ten year high school reunion. Of course, I’m glad I went, now, but initially I wasn’t very excited. Being herded together with acquaintances of distant memory and then gassed with nostalgia—you can see how I’d find that less than appealing. Particularly with the ruffians who went to my school.

“It all becomes this bizarre ordeal of making small talk with familiar strangers. You feel obligated to recognize some deeper connection than what actually exists. Sure, Needle-Nose Ned may have been my chess club partner for the tournament junior year, but now I don’t know him any better my neighborhood postal worker.

“Any old friends from the elite preparatory academy with whom I truly have any intention of maintaining connections, I do. A small pool of rapscallions makes it all the easier to choose favorites. And that’s how I got a call from my pal, Cid.

“ ‘ `Ey there, el bandito, how’s it hanging?’

“ ‘Hiya, Notorious. You going to make it to the weekly Game of World Domination match on Saturday?’

“ ‘Actually, I was planning on heading out to the old stomping grounds and seeing our old school chums. Ten years, man! Aren’t you coming?’

“ ‘I dunno, man. A buncha reprobates like you, making conversation devoid of substance and filled with 2012 Doomsday Reunion wisecracks that will soon become as stale as the decade-old friendships? I think I’ll pass, man, and work on seizing Siberia as an icy fortress stronghold.’

“ ‘Dude, aren’t you at least curious to see what Brock the Bouncer or “the Great Ganglia” are up to these days? It’s not like you have to travel or anything; it’s right here in town, man. Besides, I’m friends with Minerva Minx online in the MugShots network and she posted that she’ll be coming. I know you’d be interested in seeing her. Eh, eh? How’s about it?’

“ ‘Okay, okay, Cid, fine. I’ll see you there.’

“And so on another otherwise perfectly stormy Saturday morning that provided an impeccable milieu for implementing a brilliantly insidious plot to invade Greenland, I found myself driving my climate-changing SUV into the northern suburbs to the prestigious campus of J. Moriarty High School, home of the Black Hats.

“The school had obviously grown since my days in its dishallowed halls. The haunted forest had been cleared to make room for a set of portables, and the swampland had been drained in order to set up what looked like a deadly obstacle course. I parked my car in the massive parking lot next to the stadium modeled after the Coliseum; boy, could we have used that in our Classics Society re-enactment of feeding Christians to the lions.

“Across the stadium entrance a banner hung with the words ‘Welcome Back Class of 2002!’ Black Hat Sam, Moriarty High School’s mascot, grinned down maniacally from either end, either teasing the end of his mustache or rubbing his hands together in joyful ecstasy regarding his sinister schemes—I could never tell which.

“Inside the stadium I quickly spotted the Notorious C.I.D. from amongst a crowd much smaller than the available space and quickly made my way to join him.

“ ‘Yo, Bandit, you made it!’

“ ‘Heya, Cid. Have I missed anything?’

“ ‘No, just the organizers trying to defraud our secret cash holdings for the Booster Club. They’ve announced a reception for the decenniels in the old science lab after the game.’

“ ‘Who’re we playing?’

“ ‘Some ritzy academy from Massachusetts. Real freaky kids. Fortunately the Black Hats have rigged the field in our favor. You shoulda seen their running back fall into the punji pit at the five yard line.’

“ ‘Uh-huh. Well, it doesn’t look like so many people have shown up, Cid.’

“ ‘Oh, come on! Look, how long has it been since you’ve seen Full-Nelson there? Multiple Man and Faxy Femme take up two full rows. Even the Hermit showed up! And this is just the game, man; there’ll be more at the reception and the dance.’

“ ‘Whoa! Is … is that Marvin Ellis?’

“ ‘Yeah… he calls himself the Masked Marv-El now…’

“ ‘What is up with that garish costume? Looks like he took the “colors clause” of the Evil Overlord List to heart. Still, I think the tights are a bit much.’

“ ‘Er, yeah, about that… he’s batting for the other team now, my friend.’

“ ‘Really? Eww. Aw, man! Now he’s looking this way and waving. Let’s get out of here before he comes up and tries to lecture us on the importance of a pure heart.’

“The game was nearly over anyway, so Cid and I slinked off to the reception being held in honor of the Class of 2002. Cid excused himself to join a practice session for the one-night return to the stage of Los Diablos, the old class mariachi band. I ended up standing next to the punch bowl, alone. Ah, the memories. As I was contemplating whether to leave and execute a flawless bank burglary, a familiar-looking behemoth of a man came stomping up.

“ ‘Hey, the punch okay?’

“ ‘I tested some on the rats and they didn’t die or mutate into vicious monsters, so I’d say it’s safe enough. Don’t touch the brownies, though.’

“ ‘Thanks. Say, you’re The Bandit! Wow, I didn’t expect to see you here.’

“ ‘Brock?! Brock the Bouncer!?! I almost didn’t recognize you in that suit.’

“ ‘Yeah, I work at a large corporation as a Henchman Manager. Pretty boring stuff, but I get paid several hundred grand to look tough.’

“ ‘Sounds like a pretty sweet deal…’

“ ‘Yeah, company health care plan and life insurance policy are top notch. I may not be the guy making the decisions, but considering the perks, who’d want that responsibility, anyway! Hey, what are you doing these days?’

“ ‘I work at a local non-profit law firm, The Injustice Foundation.’

“ ‘Whoa! A lawyer, Bandit?! Now that’s some Grade A villainy of the sort I’d expect from the salutatorian of our class!’

“ ‘Er, actually… I’m a Development Officer. I help them come up with ways to fleece funding to support the firm. Um, I’m in it more for the Cause than anything…’

“ ‘Oh yeah? What sort of work does The Injustice Foundation do?’

“ ‘We represent villains in the court of law against abuses of power perpetrated against them by superheroes. Do you know that sixty-eight percent of villains arrested by heroes aren’t read their Miranda Rights? Don’t even get me started about the violations of the Fourth and Fourteenth Amendments by unlicensed vigilantes!’

“ ‘A visionary, huh? You always had a mind for the big things, Bandit. So where are you holed up these days? Got yourself a nice mountaintop fortress or a gothic skyscraper? I bet you’ve got some sort of orbital station or something!’

“ ‘Um, well, actually… I’m renting an apartment in the medical district….’

“ ‘Oh. Um, nice neighborhood?’

“ ‘It, uh, has a lot of local freelance henchmen for hire.’

“ ‘Sounds classy. So what do you do when you’re not working hard at the Injustice League?’

“ ‘Heh, clever. Um, I… well I’ve been doing some writing lately.’

“ ‘Really? What sort of stuff do you write?’

“ ‘Monologues, mostly.’

“ ‘For your capers?’

“ ‘Um, no. Fictional monologues. I like to explore themes and ideas in the free world of my own imagination. I’m hoping eventually one of the ideas I have in there will take root into something I can share with the world. It’d be really neat if my style caught on with the public and then I could make a living writing monologues for other villains.’

“ ‘Hey, that ever happens, you let me know. I’d be willing to hire you. You’d make me look smart.’

“ ‘Yeah, sure, Brock.’

“ ‘Nice catching up with you, Bandit. I’ll see you at the dance.’

“Yes, the dance. As if the reception, with all its awkwardness and embarrassing revelations weren’t enough, we were going to compound all of that into a stunning replication of the high school dance. Fortunately, I had used the years since my graduation developing many useful skills, one of which was the art of the foxtrot. Unfortunately, the first thing that happened as I entered the gym was Minerva Minx prowling up and asking me to dance.

“ ‘Hey there, Love Bandit, care to take an old flame onto the dance floor?’

“ ‘Minnie… wow, you look as beautiful as the day I last saw you.’

“ ‘So you’re the guy who’s been peeping through my windows at night.’

“ ‘What? Oh! Ha ha! No, I just mean… yeah, wanna dance?’

“ ‘Lead away, just don’t steal my heart.’

“ ‘As if I had fingers nimble enough for such a task.’

“It’s an odd thing, speaking with a beautiful woman you once adored. In high school I would have been so entranced by the proximity of her beauty that my melted brain would squelch out my ears with each thrum of my pounding heart. Now, having broken her spell years ago, it was surreal speaking to the same face while remaining calm and un-intimidated. Maybe it’s because I’ve carefully developed the ability to know when something is beyond my reach.

“ ‘Your feet seem to be pretty nimble, Bandit. I’m impressed. Done anything interesting in the past ten years?’

“ ‘I spent some time in Communist China, studying from the masters.’

“ ‘Oh? Did you learn to speak Chinese?’

“ ‘Yes, but embarrassingly I’ve forgotten most of it. I only remember a few key phrases like “thank you” and “not the children!” and “dear god please have mercy.” ’

“ ‘Any girl in your life? …ha, what’s with that sigh?’

“ ‘I recently orchestrated a terribly romantic proposal to Shelly Prince, complete with a symphony orchestra playing on threat of a bomb, only to have her stolen from my arms by Max McAwesome, or as he put it, “saved from my dastardly clutches.” ’

“ ‘Aww, I’m sorry. She doesn’t know what she’s missing. You always knew how to show a girl a good time, Love Bandit.’

“ ‘Heh, a lot of good it did me.’

“ ‘So, what do you do to keep your mind off your lost love?’

“ ‘I work for a local non-profit. But I’m thinking of going into politics.’

“ ‘Oh, c’mon, you’re not that evil.’

“ ‘Gee, thanks, Minnie.’

“ ‘No, I mean you’ve got great plans for the world. You’ve always been a hero to me.’

“ ‘That’s it, just keep laying on the insults.’

“Then she laughed and thanked me for the dance. What little remained of the evening was more of the same. I left before Needle-Nose unleashed his army of sentient ferrets.

“But in the end, I’m glad Cid got me to show up. My high school reunion provided a much-needed metric of my satisfaction to my current life path. And you know what I decided, McYawnsome? I decided that I wouldn’t be satisfied, I wouldn’t be a real villain until I saw you immediately dumped in a vat of acid or nuclear waste.

“And that is why I broke into this chemical facility and lured you into this trap above the storage cylinders. Goodbye, McAwesome, and good riddance.”